The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn is a serious test in patience, especially when it hits its third act. However, if the first two acts of this film don't put you into an agony-induced coma, I don't know what will.
Since 2008, Stephanie Meyer's glittering vampires and CG'd Teddy Bears, that evidently are allowed to Pass for Werewolves, have disgraced the movie going experience, leaving a legacy of ridiculous dialogue, wooden acting, nonsensical plot points and poorly written characters behind them. Oh wait, i'm sorry, it's not behind them. This was only Part 1 of Breaking Dawn, which means that come next year we will have the displeasure of another entry in this meaningless series of films. I have seen all of them up to this point and they offer nothing of any value or substance. It astounds me how, not just children, but adults could eat a movie like this up and call it a good time.
Breaking Dawn Part 1, follows the marriage of Bella Swan & Edward Cullen. So naturally, the film opens with the wedding and the preperations, including a scene of Edward trying to talk Bella, the supposed woman who is his "Reason for breathing", out of the whole thing. He feels bad, you see, because years and years ago, he killed potential rapists and murderers, making the claim that "They Were Monsters & so was I." So at this point, we have been given the origins of a Vigilante who has done nothing in these movies but mope, sparkle in sunlight and stare at the series' main love interest in a way that would make any NORMAL human being feel uncomfortable and violated. After four films, Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson, has gone through no change. He's still a vampire, he's still pale, he still hasn't learned how to tweeze his eyebrows and he still has no personality to speak of. With that said, why does this film go through the trouble of giving this bland, uninteresting character a back story? Especially one that shows us that at one point in his life, he did something valuable. The fact that he evidently went from being some ridiculous vigilante to being a pale, emotionless nothing really makes me yearn to wrap my lips around the barrel of a shotgun. If that was his origin, that would have been nice to see in the first film as it would have given the character a tad more depth. Not enough to sustain a boring, tedious mess like Twilight, but at least its a little something as opposed to the whole lot of nothing we were given.
But obviously, this news of Edward once being the 1920's version of Batman doesn't affect her decision to marry him in the slightest. Why? Because Stephanie Meyer needs to sell more books in order to keep her brainwashed fans happy. I guess Bella likes being with a guy who has no personality. The wedding goes as planned and there's even a pointless dream sequence with the entire cast dressed in white as bella walks down the aisle. The next thing we see is The Volturi at the wedding. You know, that group of Vampires who had no place in the series at all, but kept showing up for..."INSERT REASON HERE!" After a clip of her and Edward covered in blood, standing on the bodies of their wedding guests, Bella finally wakes up and we get the real wedding. I guess the film felt that footage of The Kardashian Wedding wasn't good enough to sustain whatever fans this series may still have left. But, the newlyweds set sail for their honeymoon, on The Isle Of Esme, where they attempt to consummate their marriage. Unfortunately, after he unintentionally puts a bruise the size of my thumbnail on her arm, Edward decides that he is a monster and can't have sex with her ever again. Even after she begs him and walks around the house wearing close to nothing, he only wants to be safe and play chess for their entire honeymoon. This was the point in the film, where I stood up in the theater and threw my popcorn angrily at the screen. This was absolutely ridiculous and served no purpose to anything that comes later. But the poor and only sexual experience they will ever have does serve a purpose as Bella soon discovers that she is pregnant with Edwards demon spawn. Because as we all know, one of Bella and one of Edward, just isn't enough for some reason.
The rest of the film involves the decisions to make about Bella and her unborn child. Hell, after a Voodoo Woman comes to visit (don't ask) Edward only referes to her baby as a "Thing" & and "Abomination". His words, not mine and certainly not Bella's as she wants to keep the child that is tearing her apart from the inside out making her even more anorexic by the second. But Bella's old friend, Jacob is still around and is he even more annoying than ever. Taylor Lautner, like so much of the cast, is not a good actor in any way, shape or form. He keeps one blank emotion on his face, no matter what emotion he is conveying. He always keep the same look. I do give him more credit than Stewart & Pattinson as you can tell that the man is at least trying to make his atrocious dialogue work. Not to mention, he has had the only somewhat bearable character in this entire series. Jacob is at least supportive & attentive when it comes to Bella, two things that Edward has not been in any of these films. In this film, he even goes against his entire wolf pack (or as I like to call them Care-Wolves) in order to protect Bella from any harm. In a way, this makes me hate the film even more. Bella makes the statement early on in the film that "There are things that I can say to you, Jacob. Things that I could never say to Edward. That is how much you mean to me." If this statement was true, then it makes me sort of sick as to why she didn't just marry Jacob. But, to revise a line from Edward in the films opening, "Whats a bad movie without some Drama!"
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn is like being at a wedding you never wanted to go to and discovering that you can't eat the food and that there's a cash bar. The acting is bad, the story (if there even was one) is atrocious and the characters go from being stupid to just being disgustingly insufferable. I wasn't invested in the wedding, I wasn't invested in the romance, I wasn't invested in Edwards baby mama drama and don't even get me started on a Care-Wolf falling in love with a baby (and i don't mean a friendship-like love either). Life is plagued with many questions, how far can we go in life?, What makes us fall in love?, what makes us human? etc; But if people keep listening to the terrible messages brought on by Stephanie Meyer in The Twilight Saga then we are never going to find the real answers to any of these problems. So not only is Stephanie Meyer a terrible writer, she is slowing down the progress of all mankind. Well, Breaking Dawn Part 1 is here people, and sadly, it's having it's way with mankind's corpse.
Final Rating: 0/10
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